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Do you despise your gods? Have you filled your mouth with gin and butter, howled like a mangy fool at the disappearing prospect of the future? Good, good times, best times these. Filled the right forms, pressed the right buttons, wearing the correct underpants? Cleaned your teeth, said the right prayers, sanitised your Facebook page, adopted a fashionable hairstyle like all the other good girls and boys?

Over the next however many years we assume that you’ll organise riots, explode information bombs, blackmail university managers, take real cool drugs, cheat the benefit system, barely work, steal prolifically, love manically, and learn to see a sorrowful new dawn with the grand, burnt retinas of highly deranged professors. The university, like the job market, like the economy, like too many things now is just a myth that most people consent to out of a combination of charming naivety and a grotesque lack of imagination. Learn to walk and talk with a nose-peg. We don’t claim to know anything whatsoever but this guide might teach you a few new tricks.

University is all about turning tricks, anyway. Isn’t it? Is it? Should it be? Partly? Is the knowledge brothel really safer than the street corner? Anyway, we don’t hate the university. In fact, we are some of its biggest fans, which is why we want it to stop being a dick. Or a pissing contest. Or a madame, a pimp. A prophylactic against wage slavery maybe. Anyway, anyway, welcome, welcome, friends, foes, strangers and even strangerers, to the radical – so radical it’s fucking bodacious – student handbook for students, etc….

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